To start - this is my 101st post in this blog. A blog I started over 2 years ago. It almost seems fitting that it would be a time for refocus and reflection.
I am now 26. Another birthday come and gone. And I weigh less than I did at my birthday last year. Which would be great . . .
if I felt better. For the last month or so, I have slipped farther and farther from my healthy lifestyle. Fast food, alcohol, not working out, and general bad decisions. I knew what I was doing. I made those decisions every day that put me in the OPPOSITE direction of where I want to go. I haven't gained that much from my start (about 5 pounds, but I'm not exactly sure because my weigh in day is Thursday), but I haven't been doing ANYTHING right. Not working out, not eating, NOTHING. And I'm feeling terrible about myself.
I remember this feeling. This feeling of helplessness, like there's too much to change for me to even begin. I hardly know where to start. I feel like a hopeless mess, like I am broken and beyond fixing. "I will never be able to fix my food problem. I will never be a size 8 again. I will never feel good in a bikini. It's my fault. I'm flawed." I'm supposed to run a half marathon in just over 2 weeks. And I feel so unprepared - I have considered not going. And yet I still sat here and ate cookies before watching the Biggest Loser.
And Lord bless The Biggest Loser. On tonight's episode, someone went through a tough emotion experience and binge ate. And her trainer said, "Doesn't it feel good to be happy? You deserve that." He stopped her from sinking into her sadness that came from one bad decision. He allowed her to turn it around and DO SOMETHING about that bad decision. And what stops me from being able to do that?
For the last month, I have been indulgent. I have been denying what I really need for instant gratification. I have done what I did to myself in college and what put me SEVENTY pounds overweight. I don't want to go back there. Ever. Again.
One of the things I need to fix this is to figure out WHY food is such a comfort to me and why I feel like I can't fulfill that need anywhere else. But tomorrow I will work out.