Weigh-in Day, May 19

A very dear friend recently read my last blog post and asked me how I was doing. I didn't realize that it had been so long since I'd written anything. Here's what's been going on.

Last Thursday, I weighed in at 191.2, which is what I've been hovering around for the last 2 weeks. Yes, I've lost a pound from 3 weeks ago, and yes I haven't been gaining weight, but I also haven't been losing. And I know exactly the reasons why.

Right about the time I ran out of sessions with my trainer, I had to get an extra job. Yes, added on to the ones I already have. And while I originally thought I was only going to be working 3 days a week there, I'm now working 5. Great monetarily, but not so much for my workout plan. I now work during the time I used to go to the gym. Which means if I want to work out, I have to wake up early and do it, something I have NEVER been good at. Though I wanted to get up and go to the gym in theory, I couldn't quite drag myself out of the bed to do it very much. I would go maybe once or twice a week for a half hour each day. And out of habit (and also partially being very busy), I was still eating like I was working out 5 days a week for an hour each day. Which has lead me to maintain my weight, instead of losing. And the less I worked out, the more crappy I felt about myself. I didn't start feeling that crappy physically, but emotionally I did. All those lovely workout-created endorphins were slipping away. The night I wrote my last blog I went out with some friends, who are fabulous and gorgeous and naturally thin, and I just couldn't stop focusing on the fact that I wasn't like them. It didn't matter how far I had come at the time. All that mattered was I felt inadequate. And so I drank. I drank far too much (don't worry, I didn't drive) and felt too crappy to get up and go to the gym the next day.

Isn't this what put me in this situation to begin with? Focusing on my weaknesses, drowning my sorrows (quite literally) and then eating to make myself feel better. And where did all that get me? 70 pounds overweight and miserable.

So last week I went to the gym 3 times. Got up early, sucked it up, and went. On Wednesday, I RAN A MILE. A WHOLE mile for the first time without stopping since 8th grade gym class. I swear I almost did a victory dance in the gym. And it wasn't a fluke, either! I did it yesterday too!! And I'm happy to report that I've been to the gym the last 2 days in a row. Today, I bought 10 more training sessions - lucky for me they were having a sale. I'm planning on working with my trainer once a week instead of twice, because I think it will help me become more accountable on my own. And keep me on track - my friend's getting married in September and I'm the maid of honor so I've got some work to do!!

This time last year, I hit a wall. I was at about the same weight, too. I just kind of got sick of my routine and went back to old habits. It didn't help that I lost my gym membership in April of last year, but I could have more actively sought out another gym. I didn't - I just kind of let it slip. This year will be different. This year is different already. I am stronger and fitter and more determined to not give up.

My last goal was to be able to run a mile before Bonnaroo. ACCOMPLISHED!!
New goal - be a size 12 by the wedding in September.

revelation

I am tired of being the fat friend. Or feeling like that fat friend. Or of whatever action I personally do that makes my brain react like the fat friend.

All of that. TIRED OF IT. After all my hard work - shouldn't I be able to go out and feel amazing? Shouldn't I be able to go out and own my confidence? Because I'm pretty sure, of all people, I have lived the adage "Confidence is the most sexy aspect of a woman." How else could have I gotten anyone interested in me in college?? Haha.

You know what?! Right there. That's it. I still don't believe I'm worthy of affection. Inside, I'm still the overweight girl striving for attention. Who could have ever loved me the way I was? I was disgusted at myself - who wouldn't feel the same way? Sure, I put on a happy face and had too many shots and had a kind of false confidence. But what I had was the kind of confidence that can come from pure dissatisfaction with oneself.

All of that. TIRED OF IT.

Weigh-in Day, May 5

192.6. Okay - if you read my blog 2 weeks ago, you know I weighed 190.6. BUT then I went back to eating chips AND I went on vacation. I kind of weighed myself last Thursday, although it wasn't at my normal time (which does make a difference), and it said I was at 193.4 or something. So I've actually done MUCH better than I was anticipating. I kind of expected to be around 195 when I got back from Texas. So, not too shabby considering!!

I don't have time to write a lot, but I did want to say this. I wore one of my favorite dresses today, that actually didn't fit right when I bought it. Now, when I wear it, I feel fantastic. Not just because of my dress, but because of how I look in it. I feel strong and confident and gorgeous. Feeling that way, I went to get some dinner and ALMOST ordered chips that I knew I wasn't hungry enough for. And then I thought - why am I wanting to order these? As a reward to myself? Because that reward is only going to work toward counteracting the way I feel right now. And I love the way I feel right now WAY MORE than I love chips. Even chips with salsa. On Cinco de Mayo.

So my challenge to you today, on this gluttonous holiday, to remind yourself of the way you feel when you're fit and thin and healthy. What is worth sacrificing that for?

Milestones and Stumbling Blocks

I'm going to start with the stumbling blocks. I'm not really sure how much I weighed last week - I didn't get to weigh myself at the normal time because of my vacation this weekend. But, I think I actually gained a little weight. I'm not why - I worked out the normal amount, I thought I stuck to my diet. Now, I did go back to eating chips. I didn't think that would affect my weight so much! But maybe it was something else - I'm going to have to go back and review my points tracker.

Now, on top of that, I just got back from a 4 and a half day trip to my college town. The place where I gained 70 pounds. And as much as I LOVE seeing my friends that still live there - there's SO much temptation for me in that place. All my favorite fast food places, favorite restaurants with the horrible food I used to eat, and bars. Bars everywhere - that's the only thing to do there, it seems like. Not to mention, it was a festival weekend, and there was fair food EVERYWHERE.

It was too much for me. I gave in. Too much drinking, too much bad food, not enough exercising. And honestly? It wasn't so great. I woke up every day feeling awful. Stomach cramps, bloating, you name it. I actually CRAVED salad when I got home. One day back to my diet and I'm feeling so much better! Even though every choice I made was mine, I really regret them now. And now fixing the problem is only up to me. In a weird way, I'm kind of glad this happened. It really showed me how easy it is to backslide. And I realized yesterday, there's only a month a half to Bonnaroo! I have a lot of work to do!!

Today, I got right back on track. Cooked healthy dinner and bought LOTS of fruits and veggies at the grocery store tonight. Also, I made some big strides at the gym today. First of all, I ran for EIGHT MINUTES without stopping. That's 2/3 of a mile! I also ran a total of 2.5 miles in 40 minutes. I usually cut my runs off at 30 minutes, so the fact that I could keep going is very exciting. New goal - run a mile before Bonnaroo!